Struggle Strategy: Whine with Me

Sometimes the question “How are you?” is the hardest one to answer. At the very least, answering it honestly—but without complaining—can require…a little bit of finesse.

I remember, a couple moves ago, being asked repeatedly if I was excited about heading to our next base. It was an entirely reasonable question, unless you knew that we were going into my husband’s third squadron command, at which point most people just winced empathetically in our general direction and then attempted to avoid eye contact. As if nearly back-to-back-to-back commands might spread like cooties.

What was the best way to answer their question? Was I excited? I mean…how do you answer that?

Do I go with, bluntly: “No. Our family wants a third command like we want an infestation of fleas followed by burst bathroom pipes leaking onto our dining room table during my husband’s birthday dinner.” (True story: this actually happened once.)

Or sarcastically: “Absolutely. I’m as excited about this next move as I would be about an unmedicated colonoscopy.”

Or aggressively: “Why don’t you try being excited about a third command?!?”

Naturally, I went for the slightly less vitriolic, “Well, I’m not not excited.” Which was technically true and also tried to tick the box for honesty without trauma dumping.

And therein lies the crux of the matter. When we’re asked how we are, we don’t want to lie. We know that there is power in honesty and in vulnerability. We know that without speaking truth, there is no ability to process. Without verbalizing, there can be no healing.

But—but—we don’t want to be whiners. A lot of us grew up hearing Philippians 2:14 quoted until we could recite it in our sleep: “Do everything without grumbling or arguing.” We know Paul had a point. None of us want to be the Israelites, complaining about the lack of meat when God has already provided manna from heaven.

So where is the middle ground? How can we be sharers (not stuffers) while acknowledging the advice of Philippians 2:14? Or, to put it differently, how can we honor Shrek’s wise words of, “Better out than in,” when it comes to our feelings about the struggles we’re going through, without crossing the line and becoming Whining Whiners Who Whine (W4)?

From what I’ve learned, there are a few guiding principles that can help with this.

One, find one or two people with whom you know you can be bluntly honest, and who will not then pile on, sympathizing with you to the point where you leave the conversation feeling like more of a victim than you did when you came in. This is key. You don’t want the person you share
with to brush off what you’re going through or poo-poo your hard spot (this is no time for well-meant cliches or sickeningly sweet optimism), but neither do you want your sharing to leave you worse off than before. Find people to share with whose wisdom you trust and whose life experiences give them insight into your circumstances. Preferably, find people who will remind you that while, yes, this is the pits, it’s also not the end of the story.

Two, find your sense of humor. It’s a lot easier to be honest if you can also be funny. When I’ve been asked about what fun things we’ve gotten to do this summer, telling people that we spent the majority of May and June battling medical issues is a real conversation killer. I don’t like it. It’s not pretty. But neither am I going to make up a fabulous lie about fun family vacations because…honesty. So my go to has been to try to make the medical stuff funny. Some days I pull it
off. Some days I’m still killing the conversation.

Three, practice the “But” Flip. As in, yep, we’ve spent a lot of time on the phone with insurance but I’ve gotten really good at multitasking while listening to abysmally awful hold music! Or, yep,
we pulled off five surgeries in one year, but now the surgery center is considering giving me a punch card where I get a free tummy tuck for every half dozen surgeries! I’m only one surgery away from my ideal summer body now! (This is not true, but it is funny.) Or, to take this a little more seriously: yeah, this year has had its hard moments, but it’s also been really good—we’ve had a wonderful community who has supported and encouraged us, and that doesn’t just happen. It’s been a huge gift.

Four, remember that not everyone needs to know everything. It’s okay to not explain everything that’s going on in your life just because someone asks how you are.

Five, journaling is your friend. Get it out on paper, and then turn the page and let it go. A journal will not be horrified by what’s going on in your life. You don’t have to worry about how a journal is
going to respond. You don’t have to worry about a journal telling someone else, who you might not have wanted told. You don’t have to worry about a journal taking your words out of context. Really, journaling is highly underrated. Also, some journals are just really cute. And buying nice pens is almost as good as therapy. Almost.

I know finding the right way to process what’s going on may be tricky—it’s tricky for me too. I remember one move when I really wished we were Catholic just so I could go trauma dump in a confessional. But finding the right way to put words to the hard stuff matters. Which I guess means I’ll leave you with an invitation: let’s figure out a way to whine to each other…but without actually whining.

I believe in our creativity.

So anyway, that’s it for this round of Struggle Strategies with Marian! Tune in next time to read more things you probably already know but might’ve forgotten or may just need to hear in a new way.